Resolving To Get Back To Church (Part 4)

Commit To Church For The Long Haul

There’s an old saying. "If you find a perfect church, don’t join it, because you’ll ruin it."

The point is really that there’s no such thing as a perfect church, and that’s because at the most basic level, everyone who’s part of every church is a sinner by nature. We are all broken, so our churches are all broken.

Even churches filled with people who are authentically following and being obedient to Jesus are never going to be perfect, because while we are all forgiven and being sanctified, we still have to deal with the consequences of sin in how we relate to God and to one another.

But, we live in a cut and run culture and we see it everywhere, even the church. Marriages, schools, work places, majors, friendships, and don’t even get me started on travel ball teams. Even college sports. Just last night I was watching Indiana get trounced by Notre Dame and they kept talking about all the transfers Indiana had. A travelling football team typically takes about 70 players to away games and Indiana has 30 players who transferred into the program in 2024. Every single one of them has at least one thing in common. Their Senior year of high school, they committed to play football at a particular college and now they are playing at Indiana University. “Commitment” is a funny thing now-a-days!

Ok. I actually will talk about travel ball for a minute. I can’t resist! I’ve seen people leave a softball team for another team because of the coaches, because we weren’t “travelling” enough, because we weren’t playing in the “right” tournaments, because their kid wasn’t getting the playing time they “deserved”, because their kid was “too good” for our team. The list goes on and on, but there’s always one thing that every cut and run decision is based on. I!

What I think the coaches should do is right and you are wrong. Where I think we should travel is right and you are wrong. The tournaments I think we should play in are right and you are wrong. The position I think my kid should be playing and the amount of time they should be playing there is right and you are wrong. What I think about all the other players on this team is right and you are wrong.

We could do the same thing for marriages, schools, work places, majors, and friendships; and I could definitely do it when it comes to reasons I’ve heard for people leaving or not wanting to get plugged into a church community. So much of it is about preference and a desire for church to be what we want it to be, making church about me, rather than about we.

It’s the culture we live in, a culture where personal preferences, comfort levels, and opinions reign supreme; a culture where humility, showing deference to one another, submitting to one another, and even being willing to suffer are seen as weakness.

And, there are two problems with that. First, Romans 12 tells us to not conform to the pattern of this world (culture), and second, the latter things I listed are all qualities of Jesus that we should be emulating!

Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying we shouldn’t have issues with the way our church functions or decisions leaders make. But, what I am saying is we shouldn’t be quick to cut and run, and if we are just starting to get involved in a church community, we should pray for patience and perseverance through the process of becoming fully engaged. The phrase that comes to mind is “Stick and Stay”.

Stick and stay is a phrase I heard a ton when I worked in direct sales as an AdvoCare Advisor. Just like pretty much anything else, the 80/20 principle applies to direct sales. Twenty percent of the people do eighty percent of the work and those who stick and stay are the ones who end up in the twenty percent. Another way to put it is to do what other people are not willing to do.

The other day I was having a conversation with my daughter Emily as she was writing a thank you card to someone. She actually knows how to address an envelope and put a stamp on it. Weird kid! I told her to keep writing thank you cards to people. Meet with someone? Send them a thank you card for taking the time to meet. Someone interviews you for a job? Send them a thank you card for giving you the opportunity to pursue a job with them. Why? Because it’s extremely kind and thoughtful and because nobody else is doing it!

What does all this have to do with church? Most people do not have a stick and stay, do-what-others-aren’t-willing-to-do mindset when it comes to church. At least that’s my experience. Instead, when issues arise it’s peace out time!

But, here’s the thing. All the problems and issues we have with church - most of them legitimate - who is going to be able to speak into those things if everyone who has problems and issues just goes to another church, where they cycle repeats itself!?

Here’s my encouragement if you are considering making a resolution to get back to church or even if you are considering leaving a church for whatever reason. Resolve to stick it out for at least a year or maybe even three - five years, regardless of your preferences and opinions. As long as the leadership is humble, the Bible is being taught, and Jesus is being worshipped, commit to dive all in for a long time, and pray that God would use you to be a blessing to that church community!

I’ve been at my church since 1994, when I was 22 years old. I just did the math and that’s exactly 30 years. I met my wife, Anne, there. Our three girls have been raised there. It has been a central part of our lives. That community has been a source of great joy for us, but also a source of discontent, sadness, and even pain. Throughout the course of our time there, I have had soooo many issues with things. We became a megachurch, which isn’t always a bad thing. But we became pretty darn prideful about it. We put our pastor on a pedestal that he was never meant to be on and allowed him to become a “celebrity”. We made worship about perfection instead of about Jesus. We turned our services into shows and idolized singers and musicians. We even made a shift from being Gospel-centric to being centered on our church vision. I could go on and on - this is kind of cathartic for me! But, I digress.

Here’s the important part. We are still there! In fact, because we are still there, when issues arise that I feel led to have conversations with church leaders about, I have the relational equity to speak into those things. Church leadership knows that my motives aren’t just my personal preferences because most of those went out the window a long time ago. My motives are to see the church family I love, and have been committed to for over 30 years flourish, and draw others closer to Jesus!

As I was thinking about this idea of sticking and staying vs. cutting and running, I realized that in all of the New Testament’s letters to churches, I don’t recall any of them encouraging people to leave the church. Honestly, I don’t even think that idea would have occurred to them as a possibility. Of course, there are admonishments to structure churches in an orderly fashion, to live lives in oneness and unity with one another, to grow in holiness together, and even to expel certain people from the church if they were perpetuating sin or harming the church with false teaching, but I don’t remember reading anything about leaving the church if we have a problem with it. I’m pretty sure that’s just a cultural thing for us, that we should be pushing back against!

Lastly, let me make a little shift and address a somewhat related issue we have with sticking and staying, even when there are things we have issues with. The pattern of this world (Rom. 12:2) is to gossip and complain and foster bad attitudes within ourselves without ever considering the Biblical, uncomfortable, command from Jesus himself in Matthew 18 to go to our brother (or sister) and have a conversation.

Of course, Jesus is telling us that when someone sins against us, we should go and talk to them privately about it. I wouldn’t necessarily say that every issue we have within the church community is sin (though many are), but I think the principle still holds. Following Jesus is all about relationships, so we should be relating to one another even if it’s not comfortable.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked a pastor or elder to grab coffee so I could talk to them about a particular issue. And, when I’ve entered those meetings from a place of humility (because I could be wrong), and love for my brother, I have always, without exception, felt heard and respected. In some cases my thoughts have proven to be a misunderstanding or even wrong and I resolve to get past whatever it is, but in most cases, because they know my heart is for the flourishing of the church and the glorification of Jesus, and because they know I’m part of the community regardless, they are willing to listen and even make changes.

So, my encouragement to you is to resolve to stick and stay. Commit to diving into a church community understanding it’s not about your preferences and desires, but rather about being part of a group of people who are all trying to follow Jesus, committed to love one another and worship God together!

NOTE TO PARENTS: I’ll be writing a separate post about the importance of raising kids in a church community, but for the sake of this post I just want to point out the value of our kids seeing us stick and stay! If we go along with our culture, cutting and running every time we have an issue, what do you think our kids are going to do? I personally believe it’s better for our kids if we stay in an imperfect church and have conversations with them about why we are staying rather than cutting and running because we (or they) don’t like it there.

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Is there ever an appropriate time to leave a church community?

Absolutely! Just like a marriage that involves infidelity or abuse, there are definitely circumstances that should lead us to prayerfully consider leaving a church community. Most notably, I’d say church “leaders” who do not exhibit Christ-like humility, who are involved in unrepentant immorality, who engage in shaddy financial practices, who turn away from sound Biblical doctrine would be a few reasons. Or, churches where there seem to be power struggles that look just like the world rather than like Jesus. If leaders give the vibe that they are above the congregation rather than humble servants who acknowledge their own sin, then there’s a problem! I made the point earlier that we shouldn’t be quick to cut and run, but sometimes prayerfully considering if we should part ways is appropriate.

This is also why it’s so important, just like deciding on a spouse, to make sure the church you decide to be part of has leadership that is clearly and humbly walking with Jesus.